Remembering Our Loss

April 6 marked one year since we found out we were losing our pregnancy at 11 weeks. That was the first and last time I saw that baby on the ultrasound and will never forget that moment. The raw heartache I felt when I realized that my dreams and hopes for that pregnancy and baby were now gone. Even now that I can hold Emilia and see God’s glory through that loss, I still ache for that baby and wonder “what if”. What would our life be like if that baby was born instead?

But I’ve seen how God has worked in our lives over the past year and know that the loss was part of His greater plan. If we hadn’t of lost that pregnancy, we wouldn’t have pursued our foster license and would not have fostered the newborn baby last fall. And of course, I would not have gotten pregnant again and Emilia would not be here. I think the experience has grown both mine and Joe’s faith and trust in God.

It was difficult being pregnant, especially in the beginning, right after that loss. It was only three months in between and we were not quite ready yet. But God doesn’t always wait until we are fully ready to put His plans into action. I struggled for some time worrying about what might happen with the pregnancy and preparing myself for the worst to protect my heart for the loss again. Even as my pregnancy progressed, I knew something could still happen. I could lose her later in the pregnancy, she could be stillborn, she could have serious medical issues…all of these things haunted me and I knew that’s not how God wanted me to live.

Through a lot of prayer and pure surrender to Him those thoughts and worries slowly disappeared. I felt such a calm peace knowing that no matter what, even if one of those things happened, God would take care of me. And knowing that Jesus has been through everything that I have and knows exactly how I feel saved me from those dark moments.

Towards the end of my pregnancy, I started getting anxious for the birth and for what the postpartum period would look like because of the hard time I had when Enzo was born. I didn’t want to have a difficult birth and definitely didn’t want to go through postpartum depression again especially now having Enzo to take care of. I can honestly say that God has thoroughly protected our family so far. Not that things have been perfect, I’ve had my anxious, frustrated, emotional moments, but to a normal degree. He has brought so many people into our lives that have been extremely helpful, cooking, cleaning, watching the kids, doing things that are truly supporting my mental health. It has been a true blessing and I don’t know how I’m going to repay everyone for all that they’ve done for our family so far.

We’re still in the thick of newborn life as Emilia turns 6 weeks old today but I can say that we’re making it. Every day has its challenges but I am so blessed that God is allowing me to be a mom to Enzo and Emilia and I hope that I can show them who God is as they grow.

Looking back, that loss still hurts and I will always wonder about that baby and who they might have been, but I know that one day I will get to meet him or her and find out. I hope that as I look back each year, I can see God’s grace and plan unfolding even more.

To read our about our loss story, click here.

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