Not many people know that Joe and I recently suffered a miscarriage. I found out right around Valentine’s Day this year that we were expecting our second baby. We were nervous but excited to welcome another little one into our home. Only to find out at our 11 week appointment that our baby had no heartbeat and had stopped growing around 9 weeks gestation. I think this has been the most difficult thing that I’ve dealt with personally, emotionally and physically and I really haven’t been ready to talk about it much. Mostly out of fear and not wanting to let myself feel sad. Miscarriage and pregnancy loss seems to be a taboo subject and hard for people who have never experienced this to really understand the pain that you can feel even when losing a baby whom you’ve never seen or held.
My goal in sharing our story is for other moms and families that are dealing with this type of loss to know that you’re not alone. I did feel alone in the beginning but as I opened up to others I’ve learned that there are many women in my life who have had a similar experience. There is no comparing one loss experience to the other but it is helpful to talk with others and share your pain. I worried that writing this post would make it seem as though I’m looking for attention or sympathy but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I fought writing this but I really felt God pushing me to be open and honest with others regarding what happened.
Below is a letter that I wrote to our baby shortly after I had the miscarriage. It was a way for me to release a lot of the thoughts that I was having and really start the healing process. I’ve caught myself many times wondering if I’m not feeling sad enough, if I’m feeling too sad or if I should have or should be grieving in a different way. Our baby had a significant impact on our lives and even though I only got to be his or her mom for 11 weeks, our family has been changed. If it weren’t for this baby and the loss, we would not be pursuing our foster-to-adopt license in the way we are right now. If everything goes as planned, we could be fostering a little kiddo come July. It’s going to be hard for me at times when I think of what our life would be with the baby we lost, but knowing that God has a plan and purpose through all of this has been tremendously helpful.
Our Dear Second Baby –
Your daddy and I love you so much. I’ll be the first to admit that when I found out you would be joining our family, I was a little nervous. It was going to change our lives and make things crazier than they already are, but we were also excited about what was to come. You were to be in our arms October 24, 2016, about one month after your big brother, Enzo, turned two. I was almost more anxious to find out how he would react to a baby than about having you. As you would’ve found out, he is a little bit of a mama’s boy. We had started planning your room and first visits with family. We had some names picked out and were planning to wait to find out if you were a boy or girl on the joyous day of your birth. Though now we won’t know until we meet you in heaven.
We didn’t tell most people, but we were planning to have your birth at home. It just seemed like the natural choice. My wonderful midwife, GB, would have there that day and taken such great care of you. I prayed for you every single day. I asked God to keep you healthy and I prayed that one day you would be saved through a relationship with His son, Jesus. I know that Jesus has been holding you in His arms since you’ve arrived in heaven which is a huge comfort to me now.
Your daddy and I were looking forward to hearing your heartbeat on April 6, 2016. It had been about two months since I found out I was pregnant with you and we just couldn’t wait another minute. I was 11 weeks pregnant and right before the appointment I saw blood and had a sense that something just wasn’t right. I prayed and cried the entire 30 minutes in crazy Austin traffic to GB’s house. She immediately checked for the heart beat and couldn’t find it. We rushed to another doctor’s office to get an ultrasound to see you for the first and last time. The ultrasound showed that you had no heartbeat and you had stopped growing about two weeks before. The image of seeing you on that screen and the nurse telling me the news will stick with me for the rest of my life. It all felt so surreal and everything was spinning out of control. My plans for our family disappeared before my eyes and I couldn’t help but wonder why.
Less than two days later you were no longer in my womb and we had to officially say goodbye. That was the hardest day of my life physically and emotionally up to this point. But right before I lost you, God had given me these words from Romans 8:18 – “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.” This verse now hangs in our home. It’s hard to imagine that anything can be bigger than the hurt I feel right now, but I know in my soul that God’s glory can be revealed through your loss. I’m already seeing it happen and can feel God using this to make me more like Jesus.
We have a strong support system of friends, family and fellow believers that have been here for us. I know we are going to be okay in time. But there will always be a hole in our family for where you belong. We all can’t wait for the day that we can be together as one complete family. In the meantime, your daddy and I will continue to pray for God’s peace and guidance as we move forward without you. It was a joy and a blessing to be your mom for those 11 weeks. As hard as all of this has been, I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
I love you,